How I Earned My Wrinkles…Musings on Marriage, Motherhood and Menopause
Anne K Bardsley
Author Bio
Anne Bardsley is an author, humorist and public speaker. She’s been published in several newspapers: Island Reporter, Paradise News, Erma Bombeck’s site (humorwriters.org) and Better After 50 Writers.
She would have three books by now if she hadn’t spent so much time trying to find ways to trim her thighs, without exercising. She used up most of her already limited brain cells with little success. She is currently trying reverse psychology with herself to lose weight.
She lives in St Pete , FL with her husband of thirty-six years. She barely survived raising five children and now has three beautiful grandchildren. Seriously, they are gorgeous!
Description
Have you ever confused your dentist and gynecologist and called the dentist to say you need an emergency appointment to fill a large cavity? Have you ever purchased the best bathing suit of your life only to find a maternity tag on it when you got home? Ever receive a cemetery cross for Easter flowers? Welcome to my world! My book is a compilation of life stories that will resonate with moms and grand moms. Join me and lets celebrate a life filled with laughter, fury, love, memory loss, estrogen, lack of estrogen,, wrinkles, pure confusion and I forget what else.
I hope you enjoy the ride!
Book excerpt
The subject was bound to come up sooner or later. When we die, what do we want done with our remains?
My husband decided he would prefer a cremation. I should get a nice urn and have his ashes sprinkled over water. I should rent a small plane and when the pilot is low and slow over the Gulf of Mexico, I am to release his ashes.
The problem I have with that plan is that when Scott used to take me flying, I was not the best passenger. He loved to take steep turns as I held on, leaning in the opposite direction in pure fear. I actually believed that if I leaned far enough, I could somehow level out the plane. It never worked. He also loved aerobatic flying. I was so grateful that the Pitts Special aerobatic plane was never mentioned for his release. The thought no sooner entered my mind and I heard him say, “I think I’d prefer being in a Pitts special doing a tail slide.”
Once we had his plan established and I stopped crying, he asked, “What shall I do with you?” His eyes looked sad. Neither of us enjoyed talking about these plans of our demise.
“I’d prefer to be stuffed,” I told him as I blew my nose.
He shook his head, “What did you say?”
I repeated, “I want to be stuffed. I want you to find a taxidermist who will make me look marvelous. I’m hoping they’ll have some sort of gel so you can pose me.”
“Why in God’s name would I want to pose you? You’ll be dead!”
This man is totally clueless! “If I die first and you bring women home, I want to be looking like serious competition in the bedroom. You know that Lifestyle Lift I want? Get me one with my insurance money.”
I’m hoping that by the time I die, there will be scientific methods to keep me limber. I could be like a female Gumby. He put his head in his hands.
“Seriously, you could move me from room to room. Since I’ll just have new stuffing, I won’t be heavy. If you’re sitting on the deck, just bring me out. Put a glass of wine in front of me and party on!”
Author Website