Loss and Growth: The Grief Spiral
Elissa Bishop-Becker
Author Bio
Elissa Bishop-Becker’s professional journey began with her own grief journey. After experiencing multiple losses, she returned to school and received her M.Ed. (Master of Education) degree from the College of William and Mary in 2000. Along with that piece of paper came a new direction and meaning for her life. Elissa is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), a National Certified Counselor (NCC), a nationally recognized expert in the field of grief and loss, and the co-founder of the Center for Transformative Counseling in Key West, Florida. Among her notable accomplishments are being chosen as the Sophia Fahs Lecturer of 2005 by the Liberal Religious Educators Association, working with the Red Cross to counsel hurricane survivors, and teaching a course on her theory of bereavement as an Adjunct Instructor at Florida Keys Community College. Elissa is also a published poet; devoted wife, mother, and grandmother; spiritual seeker; community and political activist; and explorer of all life puts in her path. The only places you’re not likely to find her are in the garden or behind an ironing board. What she is most proud of is having guided many grieving clients through the process, helping them find meaning and fulfillment in their new world.
Description
Although loss and grief are experienced by 100% of the world’s population, most of us do not have a clear understanding of the process by which a profound loss can lead to enhancement and transformation. While we acknowledge that our world is forever changed, we aim toward acceptance of the loss, and do not have the tools to facilitate moving forward from there. The purpose of Loss and Growth: The Grief Spiral is to provide those tools.
Transformative Bereavement is an expanded theory of grief and loss developed through my practice, personal experience with traumatic loss, and research from the foundations in the ground-breaking work of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. I discovered that grievers who reach her final stage of Acceptance are still in pain and asking, “Now what?” My theory is the “now what,” and Kübler-Ross’s theory is my first stage (Loss). Using both a psychological description and more than 100 real-life stories that illustrate the 4-stage process (Loss, Return, Reconnection, Creation), Loss and Growth: The Grief Spiral presents the process, not as a straight line leading from Point A to Point B, but as a multidimensional spiral. And I do much more than simply describe that process; I walk the reader step by step through each phase and stage, showing how it happens and explaining what grievers experience.
My theory combines the past and the present in a journey where one’s grief redefines the relationship with the lost person (or community, identity or lifestyle), and transforms the individual as she or he discovers a new perspective and new meaning for life that includes the ongoing essence of what was physically lost.
Book excerpt
Chapter 6
Acceptance
Arrival at acceptance of the loss is only possible when the thoughts and feelings of all the previous steps or phases have been accepted and worked through. We often feel an inner peace we had never before experienced, and are surprised that this peacefulness arose in the wake of the chaos created by our loss. Initially we distrust the feeling, and may even find it scary because it is new and unfamiliar. The pain is still present, and often extremely intense, but it is present less frequently. Moments of peace begin to elongate into hours and then days, and when the pain comes it is greeted like a familiar companion and is less disorienting than it was at the beginning of the Loss stage (spiral of emotions). There are moments of intense joy–although they may still be followed by guilt over feeling such joy, as it means having chosen to loosen the bonds that kept the loved one present–and more of a balance between laughter and tears.
Five months after his mom’s death, George told me he was thinking more clearly, was a lot more calm and more focused. “Before I wasn’t thinking about the next step, but now I’m more aware of what is ahead.” He was planning on selling his parents’ house and seeing it as “a new start.” He said, “Before it was all a bad dream and I kept thinking it will go away. Now it’s real.” He added, “People who haven’t been through this don’t understand it. Nothing compares to it.”
At this point in the process, we have stopped struggling to avoid the reality of what has occurred. Many grievers feel they have acquired a new and deeper wisdom about death, and a more sensitive appreciation of life. Priorities have changed. We are less materialistic, more spiritual, more empathetic to the pain of others, more patient and accepting, less driven and judgmental. “Life is not what I thought it was,” many grievers exclaim. We learn that it is less about the acquisition of material comforts and more about an ongoing process of growth, learning, and sharing with fellow travelers on the path. We open our hearts and arms more easily to others in pain, no longer able to turn away and pretend it will never happen to us. We also often acquire a new appreciation for our own inner resources and strength. Many will say things like, “I never knew I could survive something like this,” or “I thought that if he died, I would die, too.”
As the first anniversary of her daughter’s death approached, Martha said she was feeling stronger, like she could handle anything. Her priorities had changed, and taking time to be with people seemed more important than work or making money. “I think straighter than I did, but my heart still hurts,” she said. “It’s hard and it hurts, but I’m starting to accept the fact that she’s gone home. But I know she’ll be waiting for me.” Martha remarked that her strength surprised her. When it first happened, all she wanted was to be with Jessica.
During the first year of grief, much energy is focused on anticipating and dealing with “firsts”: the first birthday of our loved one without their physical presence, our first birthday without that presence, the first holiday season, the first spring–which is often very painful as we perceive that the world is coming to life again but our loved one is not–the first New Year’s Eve that ushers in the first calendar year that will not contain our loved one’s physical presence, and the first time many activities that had meaning in our relationship are faced alone. We often learn that the anticipation of these events is more painful than the reality when it occurs. By the time of the first anniversary, it is common to hear grievers report a sense of closure, a feeling that they have come “full circle” and have successfully navigated the calendar on their own. The next cycle seems less threatening and more familiar.
So, why isn’t this the end of the grief process? Many of us who expect that Acceptance will be the end of our journey are surprised and disappointed when we reach this point and then sense ourselves returning to revisit the process from what often feels like the beginning. For, while we have accepted the loss of our loved one, we have yet to accept our own changed identity. We don’t know who we are anymore, and the question I usually hear at this point is “Now what?”
Griever’s Toolbox:
• Be aware of the possibility that you might experience guilt about feeling peace or joy.
• Focus on the your strengths.
• Explore what you have learned about life and priorities.
• Reach out to others in pain.
• Since this phase usually coincides with the first anniversary of the death, plan a commemorative ceremony or ritual.
• Engage in fun, energizing rewards for the hard work accomplished so far.
• Learn about the next stage of the grief process.
Counseling Interventions:
• Praise the griever for having stopped struggling to avoid the reality of what happened and for letting go.
Author Website
https://www.facebook.com/Loss-and-Growth-The-Grief-Spiral-501288209908687/