Pirate Raiders of the Star Trek Wars
Author
Jim Fenn
Author Bio
A short bio, 200 words, it says here. That’s a tough one for me. I only recently started writing for publication. When I was young I had vague thoughts that I might be a writer someday. Among many other things. I don’t really think my personal life has anything to do with my writing. I have a facility with words, something I was born with no doubt. Also I write about TV and movies. Heck, I’m practically an anti intellectual. For example here’s my take on the game of chess, two people sit down, are bored for a while, then one of them is unhappy.
Okay, I was born in a hospital. Later, I joined the Marine Corps. Boot camp was fun but after that I mostly hung around in warehouses. Have spent some time in various schools. My favorite class was art appreciation. The teacher made us draw and paint and I discovered I was good at it. So that is how you have come to hold this art book in your hands. I mean this book of parodies.
Description
As many people do I was watching favorite shows on disc when suddenly I was inspired to start writing parodies for publication. The problem with parodies is that they tend to be quite short. Yet the basic unit of publishing is the book. Ebooks are changing this perception but we’re not there yet. Anyway, I mostly change the names of the characters and places in a humorous way. In other words, I will not trash your favorite show. These are my favorites too so I gently poke fun at them while enjoying watching them once again. In fact I find that I pay more attention and notice details I missed many times before while writing.
Though the reason for these writings is to elicit a smile, chuckle, or occasional belly laugh, I found myself analyzing these films and TV shows as I wrote. I now have a deeper appreciation of these shows and have become aware of the immense amount of work done by the makers of these shows.
One pattern that emerges is that the best shows have a family feel to them. In the commentaries we hear comments about how the cast and crew are like a second family and the show is a home away from home.
Don’t get the wrong idea, I am writing humor. I do not hesitate to point out that the new ‘Star Trek: Voyager’ uniforms look like high school marching band uniforms. Aren’t these folks in a spaceship? Did they lose the thermostat? Heck, I had given up on Star Trek until I saw Jeri Ryan in Voyager. At least they had the sense to give her a form fitting outfit instead of a marching band uniform.
Another feature of my books is finding lost treasures such as ‘Tales of the Gold Monkey.’ A TV series which is very similar to ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark.’ Well worth a look. Included in this volume is a short parody of ‘Escape from New York.’ Readers may be reminded of old favorites worth another look, or discover new favorites. So look over the book, if one section doesn’t grab you, the next one might.
Book excerpt
5. Start Wreck Voyeur, The Beginning (Star Trek: Voyager)
Chapter 1 – Wonderful Soup
[Wow, where do I sign up? The food dispenser has 14 varieties of tomato soup alone! On the other hand that may be too many choices already. At the soup machine we meet Thom “White Bread” New York, son of Admiral New York of the USS New York out of New York, who has been naughty and so ends up on the Voyeur. The captain is Captain Captain “Anyway” Drainway, a tough as snails female Hogan who saves the crew any way she can.]
Begin story, one of those Start Wreck patented weird ‘things’ tosses the ship across the galaxy in the blink of an eye. And the ship is about to blow. Where’s Scotty? Instead we meet The Doc, no middle initial, no first name, no last name. [Well, you can’t have everything.]
Suddenly the crew finds themselves on the set of The Waltons. [Don’t ask me why.] Second in command is Commodore Cheeky, a former hat check boy. Apparently folks used to draw maps on his forehead as to where their coats where located. He could wash it off before going on duty.
Meanwhile B’aloney Torus and Hairy Prim are somewhere else entirely. B’aloney is a half Hogan/half Kalgon/half Mawg and Hairy Prim is all dork. You’ll see when he meets 9 of 7 later on.
Meet Felix, a half fry cook/half lizard, from his appearance and manner. Poor Hulking Two Volt almost breaks into an emotion at the odor of the unbathed creature. On the Planet Felix they have not yet discovered water.
B’aloney and Prim are in an underground hospital. Drainway, White Bread, Cheeky, Felix, and Two Volt bean down to the surface where they are instantly captured by hostile natives. [Ever heard of strategy?] They learn that the Oompa Loompa live underground.
[Here’s a puzzler, on the Voyeur the uniforms resemble high school marching band uniforms. Now if you’re on a spaceship most of the time, why wear wool jackets? Can’t they just turn up the thermostat? Is it stuck and they’re afraid to fiddle with it and void the warranty?]
With Felix’s tricks they escape and pick up a hitchhiking Oompa Loompa called Kiss. Who brings them to Under Land where she defies Top Cat and the Care Faker to help find B’aloney and Prim.
The Care Faker is killing folks by trying to replace himself.
“Bow out already, Gramps,” says Captain Drainway. Also he’s going to blow the place up. [Care Faker indeed. Like Norman Bates’s mom care took of little Normie.]
The Kazoo are about to attack! [Oops, I blinked and missed the big finale.] Felix and Kiss beg to hitch a ride. As the music swells Captain Drainway gives out with the immortal lines, “We shall continue our continuing mission, to brave new worlds, to snake out wormholes, TO MOLDY GO WHERE NO BREAD HAS GONE BEFORE!”
