Save Your Marriage (as well as your family’s emotional and financial stability)
Helen Weiser, PhD and Clyde Jeffcoat, CPA
Author Bio
Helen Weiser, PhD, has practiced as both a licensed psychologist, and as an advanced substance abuse counselor, in the state of Missouri for many years. Her involvement in the mental health field began during her undergraduate training when she worked as a technician at the Rose Brooks Center for Battered Women in Kansas City.
Immediately upon receiving her undergraduate degree, Helen began working as a trainee therapist for Renaissance West, a drug abuse treatment center. Within 9 years, she worked herself up to the position of Executive Director of the entire operation. After working in this capacity for several years, she decided to establish her own private practice. Helen and her three daughters now own and operate Midtown Psychological Services, Inc., a company that consists of 26 experienced mental health professionals.
After received training and certification in Imago Relationship Therapy, Helen began to specialize in couples counseling. Her experiences in this specialty helped to provide the inspiration for this Guide. In addition to traditional psychological therapy, Helen employs a spiritual perspective where appropriate. Within this arena, Helen has been a true pioneer.
Clyde Jeffcoat, CPA, has managed some of the largest and most complex organizations within the Department of Defense (DoD). He served as the Deputy Auditor General of the Air Force, Director of Finance and Accounting for the Army, and Director of Information Technology Operations Services for DoD. His work with the military took him worldwide including three tours in Vietnam. His managerial contributions were formally recognized by three United States Presidents, and by his peers who elected him to be the National President of the Association of Government Accountants.
After retiring from DoD, Clyde established and operated a cattle ranch, a financial consulting business, and a CPA tax practice for 11 years. In 2005, a client asked Clyde to become the president and CEO of IMC Magnetics Corporation, an aerospace company. Within a year, company operations improved to the point that Clyde was awarded a 5% ownership interest in the company. In addition, the Board of Directors asked Clyde to concurrently become the president and CEO of a second manufacturing company, Power Systems, LLC, with operations in New York, Canada, and Mexico. The following year, an unsolicited offer to buy both companies was received and accepted by the stockholders. Clyde continues to financially consult small businesses on a pro bono basis.
Description
Anyone who has counseled couples for 20 years or more, as Helen Weiser has, will tell you that solutions to marital problems are hard to identify and difficult to apply. Why? Because life experiences, intellectual capabilities, libidos, educational levels, hidden agendas, and personal preferences all vary from individual-to-individual and couple-to-couple. Unfortunately, many relationship counselors and therapists, as well as much of the literature on this subject, tend to take a “one-size-fits-all” approach when trying to help couples. This can consume many hours of therapy by meandering into subjects that may not be relevant to a marital problems of the couple undergoing therapy. As a result, considerable time may be wasted which drives up the cost of therapy and slows down the identification of key issues and solutions.
This guide speeds up the therapy process by more quickly identifying key issues and solutions to marital problems. How? By introducing two important new therapy concepts: (1) helping couples understand and analyze, for themselves, the major “drivers” that dictate whether their relationships succeed or fail, and (2) enabling them to precisely identify the causes of their relationship problems through the use of self-assessment checklists related to each of the drivers. The “drivers” include: COMMUNICATIONS, SEX, UNCONSCIOUS BEHAVIOR PATTERNS, MONEY ISSUES, SPIRITUALITY, AND LIFESTYLE CHOICES.
By providing couples a tutorial explaining the fundamental drivers that dictate whether relationships succeed or fail, together with the self-assessment checklists, couples gain insights into what is causing their marital discord more quickly and comprehensively. This saves time and money, and it results in a more structured plan of action to resolve their marital problems. Equally important, it gives the couples a sense of ownership and “buy-in” to the ultimate plan-of-action to fix the problems.
At the same time, the authors embrace and build upon what they consider to be the two most internationally accepted and time-tested couples counseling methodologies: (1) Imago Relationship Therapy, as developed 25 years ago by Dr. Harville Hendrix, and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, and (2) Emotionally Focused Therapy, as advocated by Dr. Sue Johnson. These therapy practices have the highest success rates of all alternative therapy practices that the authors researched.
Within the Guide, the authors explain their new therapy tools in considerable detail to include the individual drivers that determine whether relationships live or die, and the administration/interpretation of the self-assessment checklists contained within the Guide. At the same time, they also:
• Promote the use of the tools offered by Imago Relationship Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy; and
• Explain relationship therapy tools that can be self-administered following a training session provided by qualified therapists, and carefully point out when professional assistance is required for the resolution of more complex issues such as unconscious behavior patterns.
The bottom-line…this Guide enables couples to better understand the causes of their marital discord and the remedial actions that must be taken to save their relationship. And it does so in a structured, focused, and comprehensive manner that can save couples thousands of dollars in unnecessary therapy costs.
Book excerpt
Introduction
If the title to this Guide, “Save your Marriage,” caught your eye, you’ve probably already thought long and hard about what’s needed to fix your marriage. Common sense tells you that the downsides of divorce can be devastating—downsides such as:
1. Loss of the person who was to be your forever best friend—the one person who you thought would always stand by your side no matter what;
2. Emotional trauma to your children;
3. Probability of a repeat situation with a follow-on spouse;
4. Competing loyalties between your own children and future step-children; and
5. Potential loss of your home, mutual friends, retirement security as well as your investment in time, energy, and money that you put into your marriage.
But even though you know your family will suffer this kind of misery, you can’t seem to get a grip on what it would take to save the marriage. Well, that’s what this Guide is all about—it will help you pinpoint the “real” reasons that caused your marital problems—some of which you may never have considered. Most importantly, you will gain the knowledge, skill sets, and if need be, get access to qualified experts, to help heal the problems that are wreaking havoc on your marriage. You will learn how to transform your marriage into the kind of relationship that fulfills your dreams.
* * * * *
More often than not, two spouses who are considering divorce have reached such a state of emotional upheaval that rational thinking becomes difficult if not impossible. This guide will help you diffuse this hostility to the extent that progress can be made to identify the “real” reasons for deterioration of the marriage.
Most couples conclude that their marriage problems are attributable to:
1. Poor judgment in selecting a partner.
2. Failure to communicate with intimacy and mutual respect.
3. Unexciting and unfulfilling sex life.
4. Lack of trust and/or infidelity.
5. Different individual goals and aspirations.
6. Financial insecurity.
7. Physical problems.
Through many years of counseling couples, Helen has found that marital discord is usually caused by a combination of these factors. Unraveling this combination can be an infinitely complex process. Unfortunately, too many therapists use a time-consuming, ineffective “one-size-fits-all” approach. This can waste enormous amounts of time, money, and energy on therapy that does not focus on the principle causes of their relationship discord.
Social scientists have proven that the ability to sustain a relationship is more dependent on “emotional” intelligence than “logical” intelligence. Emotional intelligence addresses how we perceive and understand our own emotions and the emotions of others. Logical intelligence stems from information that is scientifically or mathematically based. The authors of this book have expertise in both categories. Helen Weiser is a licensed psychologist with many years of experience treating emotional disorders that effect both individuals and couples. Clyde Jeffcoat is a seasoned analyst with over 40 years assessing alternative solutions to complex problems. Contributing authors, Suzanne and John Mariner, have been husband and wife for 34 years and each has provided relationship therapy and coaching to couples in the Denver area for many decades. Adding another dimension to this collaborative effort is the fact that Helen and John are siblings. John Thomas is a medical doctor who has provided marriage and sexual counseling to thousands of his patients in El Paso, Texas over the past 42 years. Charla Hathaway is a certified sexology body-worker, tantra teacher, and founder of Austin’s BodyJoy Intimacy School. She’s the author of two books on physical intimacy published in nine languages.
The success rate of marriages has continued to diminish for many years. This phenomenon has inspired the creation of a whole cottage industry of well-meaning “specialists” striving to offer help to those couples having trouble with their marriages. Publications on the subject abound. Many purport to offer the perfect formula to fix relationships on the brink. Too often, however, these publications and related research focus exclusively on one or two major remedies like improved communication, or more zealous physical intimacy. This narrow focus assumes that fixing one aspect of a relationship automatically fixes the entire relationship. Not so! This guide takes into account the fact that both relationships and people are multi-dimensional. By following the guidelines offered within this publication, you will gain the insights needed to develop a comprehensive, all-encompassing program to fix your relationship.
We believe the first requirement to improve any relationship is a sincere desire on the part of both partners to make the relationship work. Once there is this mutual commitment, you are ready to apply the principles outlined in the Guide.
Just like there are specific ingredients required to make an apple pie, you need the right mix of “ingredients” to create and sustain a successful relationship. The chart below identifies these ingredients—which the authors refer to as “Drivers.” While the importance of the individual drivers may vary from person-to-person, each driver is critical in its own right.
RELATIONSHIP DRIVERS: COMMUNICATIONS, SEX, UNCONSCIOUS BEHAVIOR PATTERNS, MONEY ISSUES, SPIRITUALITY, AND LIFESTYLE CHOICES.
Each of these drivers is examined and defined in this guide. At the end of each chapter, you will find an accompanying self-assessment checklist. Certain items on the checklists pinpoint critical problems that require professional help to resolve. We earmark these as “red flag” issues so there will be no doubt that resolution of these issues will generally require the assistance of a qualified therapist. It is important that readers take the time to complete these self-assessment checklists. This will enable you to self-direct improvements that meet the personal needs of both partners. This self-direction can save you time and money associated with remedies that are less than effective and may actually be harmful.
There is no greater challenge in life than building a successful relationship. By following this guide, you have taken the first step toward achieving this goal. Congratulations! And now let the journey begin…
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