{"id":1654,"date":"2012-09-23T14:22:41","date_gmt":"2012-09-23T14:22:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.everywritersresource.com\/shortstories\/?p=1654"},"modified":"2018-05-11T13:24:44","modified_gmt":"2018-05-11T13:24:44","slug":"last-call-by-arthur-mackeown","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.everywritersresource.com\/shortstories\/last-call-by-arthur-mackeown\/","title":{"rendered":"Last Call by Arthur Mackeown"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/a>
Cemetery<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Last Call<\/h1>\n

By
\nArthur Mackeown<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0Damn undertaker. This coffin was built for a midget, not a six-foot two ex-rugby player. He must have stuffed me in with a shoe horn. And the heat. If anyone\u2019s coming to rescue me they\u2019d better hurry up, before there\u2019s nothing left but a puddle. But suppose nobody comes? Suppose they\u2019ve already checked on me, and I was still dead to the world? What then? Buried alive in me prime, that\u2019s what\u2026Help! No, don\u2019t shout. That organ\u2019s making such a racket they\u2019ll never hear me, anyway.<\/p>\n

You\u2019d think I\u2019d be used to it by now. I mean, I\u2019ve dropped dead and woken up again so often my doctor calls me a medical miracle. This is twice I\u2019ve woken up in the middle of my own funeral service. I can hardly wait to see that poor old parson\u2019s face when I leave on my own two feet yet again. He looked quite annoyed the last time<\/p>\n

But why don\u2019t they come<\/i>? They\u2026Hold on! What is<\/i> the matter with me? The cell phone. My wife left me a cell phone. No wonder no-body came to check. Eh? What\u2019s this? Bloody battery\u2019s almost dead. Silly woman, let\u2019s hope she hasn\u2019t turned hers off just because she\u2019s at a funeral. Well, here goes nothing\u2026<\/p>\n

Hello? Mary? Well, of course it\u2019s me. Do you know anyone else who\u2019s being buried alive today? How about letting me out, then? Excuse me? Why don\u2019t I call one my bits on the side, instead? Don\u2019t be ridiculous. All that ended years ago. You\u2019re the only one for me, you know that. Just get me out and I\u2019ll show you. They what? Well, how do I know what they\u2019re all doing here, bawling their eyes out? I<\/i> didn\u2019t invite \u2018em, did I?<\/p>\n

Anyway, never mind about that now. You can pull their hair out later. And will you please stop giggling? You\u2019re at a funeral, for Pete\u2019s sake. What will everybody think? You just concentrate on getting me out on the double, it\u2019s like an oven in here. Come again, you\u2019re breaking up. What do you mean, it is <\/i>an oven in here?<\/p>\n

###
\nMy name is Arthur Mackeown. I’m 66 years old and originally from London, but have lived on a kibbutz in Israel for the past 38 years. I began writing short stories 4 years ago, when I bought my first computer, and have been published in several print and online magazines. I’m also a small time artist and sculptor. My hobbies are reading, photography, and travel, and I sometimes use my travel experiences in my stories. I may have a book in me somewhere, as well, but it’s a little late in the day to go looking for it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Damn undertaker. This coffin was built for a midget, not a six-foot two ex-rugby player. He must have stuffed me in with a shoe horn. And the heat. If anyone\u2019s coming to rescue me they\u2019d <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_bbp_topic_count":0,"_bbp_reply_count":0,"_bbp_total_topic_count":0,"_bbp_total_reply_count":0,"_bbp_voice_count":0,"_bbp_anonymous_reply_count":0,"_bbp_topic_count_hidden":0,"_bbp_reply_count_hidden":0,"_bbp_forum_subforum_count":0,"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[88,379],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1654","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-horror","category-scary-stories"],"aioseo_notices":[],"amp_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.everywritersresource.com\/shortstories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1654","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.everywritersresource.com\/shortstories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.everywritersresource.com\/shortstories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.everywritersresource.com\/shortstories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.everywritersresource.com\/shortstories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1654"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/www.everywritersresource.com\/shortstories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1654\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3230,"href":"https:\/\/www.everywritersresource.com\/shortstories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1654\/revisions\/3230"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.everywritersresource.com\/shortstories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1654"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.everywritersresource.com\/shortstories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1654"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.everywritersresource.com\/shortstories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1654"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}